I realized something important today: I don’t want to be angry anymore.
When I love, I wrap my entire body, soul and heart around that relationship and the promise of that love. I expect too much, believe too hard and always wind up being disappointed in something that just could never be. Love for me is everything. And for me, friendship is no different.
I have to admit, I’ve been unlucky in friendships my whole life. I’ve battled the backstabbers, the heart-breakers and the gossip girls. Innately shy and reserved, almost painfully so, my nature would often come across as being standoffish. But, I never really was. I was the little girl on the playground asking the other little shy girl in the class to be her friend. Only, I always knew in my heart that friendship wouldn’t last – it couldn’t. I chose people who were just too different from me and my heart always ended up cracking into tiny pieces at the result of a failed friendship.
I’m 25 now and I can say that while I’ve sustained and maintained a few precious relationships, I know I’ve never really found my soul-sister. Oh, there were plenty of imposters, believe me, but never the girl who would keep my heart into our blue-haired, Golden Girls days (I was looking forward to being Blanche, but I digress).
One year ago, I began filtering my personal life and decided to suck all of the poison from my surroundings. What was left you ask? Me. Only me. In that moment, I realized something powerful: I am my own best friend. Sure, I am blessed with a wonderful family and amazing loved ones to call my support system, but that best-friend never showed her face. The girls I called best-friends were poison and I was angry. As I rid my life of poison, every girl fell like a shaky outlier in a stack of cards and I fumed.
There is an episode of “The Hills” I will never forget since its original airing (yes, “The Hills,” just follow me here). Lauren and Heidi’s friendship finally came to a close when Lauren boldly told Heidi: “I want to forgive you, and I want to forget you.”
This statement overwhelms me with its simplistic power each time I hear it. The answer was there all along, but I allowed my anger to claim me and my emotions to get the best of my heart. Every girl I’ve ever been friends with has made the claim: I don’t have many girlfriends. Well, Sherlock that should’ve been a clue right there. But it wasn’t. I always gave my heart openly and willingly and was shocked when it was handed back pretty scorched and tarnished.
Today I saw something that would normally upset me. But I thought back to Lauren’s statement and realized something: I’m letting go. This blog was built on the foundation of letting go and allowing life to take the reigns and bring you to a more beautiful, hopeful place. I’m ready for that ride. And I’m not angry anymore. I loved each person with my whole heart, but things change and I can’t fault anyone for that. People grow apart, life happens and some people were never meant to stay in my life for a long period anyway. I continue to get seasonal people confused with those meant to throw down roots and stay with me for a lifetime. What I didn’t realize at the time was that each person was meant to take her bow and I was never meant to stop her.
Continuing to look back doesn’t promise change, it promises that I’ll stand still forever. I’m ready to take my ride with life because I know how beautiful it will be in the coming years. I’ve loved them all, forgiven them all and now I’m forgetting it all. And that’s a beautiful change. That’s hope.
“Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you’re always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.
I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they’re over there… wind blow that way they over here… they’re unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they’re gone. That’s alright. Most people are like that, they’re not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That’s all they can do. But don’t get mad at people like that, that’s who they are. That’s all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf.
Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they’ll fool you. They’ll make you think they’re a good friend and they’re real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they’ll break and leave you high and dry.
But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that’s like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren’t going nowhere. They aren’t worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don’t have to know what they’re doing for you but if those roots weren’t there, that tree couldn’t live.
A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it… just let it go. Let folks go.”