I’m having a relationship with Chanel.

Isn’t she lovely?  Isn’t she wonderful?  OK, I know I’m channeling Stevie Wonder, but follow me here.  Yes, ‘it’ is actually a ‘she’ and yes, I’ve named this bag.  In fact, I’ve dreamed, obsessed and drooled over this perfectly pink, classic Chanel flap bag.  Those two shiny, interlocking Cs tease me in my dreams.  The quilting is so taut, plump and plush I could just bite into it, and the feminine hue of pink rivals only that of my favorite cotton-candy-colored lipstick.  She’s perfection.  She’s beautiful.  And, sadly, she’s not mine.

In life, it’s so easy to lament at the things we don’t have.  My mother tells me I was born with an incessant need to be five years older.  I unfairly gauge myself with those in different life stages and whine to the world when my accomplishments just do not and cannot realistically compare.

As the quintessential broke college student, I can easily induce a series of heart-stopping, brain-numbing panic attacks just by mulling over the thoughts of loan installments, car payments and the mounting, yet impressive collection of debt accumulated just by attempting to live on minimum wage.  I think to my future and know that even at my best, I may always be scraping by, fulfilling the life of a starving artist who is chasing a big, beautiful dream. 

As a writer, perhaps the most frightening threat in the world is to lose one’s inspiration.  As of late, that’s just what has been happening in my life.  For the first time in a long time, I’m scared.  I’m overwhelmed by the possibilities of tomorrow and by the daunting tasks of today.  Finalizing one’s education is supposed to be exciting, yet it shakes me to my core.  It’s the ‘this-is-it, there’s-no-going-back-now’ realization and mentality that’s slowly eating away at my creativity.

While I’m slowly wildling down the massive piles of internship and scholarship applications, I find my fingers instinctively typing ‘Chanel’ into my search browser.  And while I’m supposed to be writing about just why I am the perfect fit for X Company’s exclusive and impossible-to-land internship, my eyes fixate on the fantasy of this bag.  There she is, those perfect curves, the girly pink of a pretty pout.  She waits for me.

Call it superficial.  Call it ridiculous.  But this bag plays a symbolic role in my life.  I have so many goals for myself, have always scraped and saved my money and have worked for nearly half of my young life.  And this is the first time I’ve allowed myself to dream a little.  To dip my toes in the  fantasies of luxury.  To think of a bag that doesn’t have to look like a passable replica or have to hope that Christmas comes early this year. 

Even this ring. I wanted to buy this for myself. That meant something to me, to be able to do that. And then he buys it for me. (Samantha)
Because he knew how much you loved it. (Carrie)
Yes, but now every time I look down at it, I see him, not me. (Samantha)

— Sex and the City

Sure, saving for and purchasing this bag is pretty feasible and realistic once my career begins.  And sure, maybe my boyfriend, or by then, husband or a family member could buy it for me and place it under the twinkling lights of a magical Christmas tree, or in the sparkly paper of birthday wrappings.  But this is my own symbol of accomplishment, my own signifying moment of pride.  To look down at a pink Chanel and see someone else will rob me of my moment.  I want to look down and see the blood, sweat and raw fingers of typing and editing stories.  I want to look down and see me.

But right now, the bag is out of my reach, and right now I prefer it that way.  A small part of me hopes I’ll never reach that day in which my feet find their way into a Chanel boutique.  I secretly wish to never cure that incessant hunger.  But one day, I know I will.  One day she will be mine because one day I’ll reach all those big dreams I never thought I could.  One day I won’t be starving anymore.  Until then, I’m feeding myself with the inspiration of tomorrow and a small side of Chanel.

(Images via Weheartit.com)

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Comments
One Response to “I’m having a relationship with Chanel.”
  1. MT says:

    It will mean so much more to have bought this for yourself, because then you know you are attaining your goals, and your accomplishments are accumulatng before your eyes!

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