“I wish they would all just disappear.”

I’ve been a Christmas crank lately.  My bah-humbug, Grinch-ly attitude is a huge disappointment considering how much I love the Christmas season.  I live for this season and the beautiful magic of it all.  The food, the decorations, the spirit, the wonderful company – it all usually leaves me feeling full-hearted and so grateful.  But lately, it seems Christmas has been overcome by competition and money and I’m beginning to feel numb to the entire holiday season.  When did the callousness of money overshadow the warmth of love?  Who really cares about material things when, in the end, love is the only thing to take with us?  Surrounding attitudes are really tripping up my ho-ho-holiday spirit and sometimes I wish for nothing else but to wiggle my nose and make the overwhelming greed disappear.

I have so much to celebrate during the close of the year, but why do I feel as if I’m celebrating alone?  Sure, I didn’t have a child or hit the lotto, but I’ve rekindled something that was always so magical to me.  So, why do I feel as if I’m celebrating this love as a party-of-one?

“There is a season for wildness and a season for settledness, and this is neither. This season is about becoming.”

 

 – Shauna Niequist

 

Part of my disillusionment stems from the feeling of being stuck.  The old adage, “things get worse before they get better” carries a hard truth to it.  I’m in between two great stages of life and sometimes that middle is the most difficult to overcome.  I’ve been the student for a long time now.  I’ve worked hard during both of my degrees, fought for my 4.0 average and at the end day, I’m over it.  I’m sick of this stage of my life.  I’ve done it, I’ve lived it and now I’m ready to move on to those dreams I long for, to those goals I can already taste.

I was born to become someone.  My dreams are often bigger than me, but they’re all I’ve ever known and without pursuing them I will never be fulfilled.  Without those images of hope for myself, I will never make anyone a good mother or wife.  The suburban life of the picket-white fence and 2.5 kids seems like a settled Hell to me at this point in my life.  So many friends dream of throwing down roots to purchase a house and start a family.  While they’re picking out baby booties, I’m looking at travel brochures.  I want to spend the upcoming years traveling, living in different places and experiencing life.  I want the world and I cannot settle for anything less than my dreams.  But right now, with one year left of my college career, I remain stuck in that season of becoming. 

I dream of the days in which I can use the profits of my personal career to give my family and the person I love the things they need, but right now that’s not my reality.  I long for the day in which I can support myself and buy meaningful holiday gifts with the money that I’ve made as an independent woman, but I’m still not there yet.  Right now, I remain in the season of becoming.  While I am nothing but anxious to get to my destination, I am learning to appreciate the beauty of who I am, in this moment.  I am also learning to find security in the strength of my dreams because I know they will never allow me to stay in one place, or season, for too long.  And that person I am becoming will be beautiful.

 

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