To whom it may concern.

I look for inspiration everywhere and today it came from a close friend.  If you’ve read my past few entries, it’s pretty clear that I’m in desperate need of a little hope or sunshine to spread some light on a dark situation.  Today, my friend reminded me that such hope comes from within.

Each time she encounters a problem in life, I see her writing lists and penning letters.  Why?  Whenever I experience a strong emotion, I put my fingers to the keyboard and type away, hoping someone somewhere will find inspiration in my story.  While my blog gives me hope, I haven’t been finding the satisfaction I’ve been searching for as of late.  My friend explained that if you write down what you need or want in life, it has a tendency of coming true.  Call it superstitious or plain ridiculous if you like, but there was something in the simplicity of this message that grabbed a hold of my heart.  Write it down, give this feeling a name, and you are willing it to come true.  It’s as if you’re making the decision in your heart and grabbing your own life by the reins to guide it to where you need it to be.

Lately, I’ve been walking around with emotions running wild in my head.  I can’t keep up with the rollercoaster I’m riding and maybe writing it down, as I see it, is the way to begin cultivating my own happiness.  She also gave me another wonderful piece of advice: women often take on the addiction of approval.  We seek approval everywhere: parents, lovers, friends — we have a need to belong and a need to ensure we are walking the correct path.

 I began pondering this and a lesson in my gender and communications class made this concept seem more concrete than ever.  In class, we discussed the socialization of young children.  In a social observation, theorists found that boys often sit side-by-side and try to one-up each other when communicating.  It’s the whole my-truck-is-bigger-than-yours mentality that men often thrive on as they struggle to show that they are different and each a separate individual.  Girls, on the other hand, look directly at each other when conversing and often try to communicate they are the same as their best friends.  While walking in the hall way the other day, I realized how true this is.  I listened to conversations between groups of girls and the running theme was the phrase, “Oh me, too!”  It’s the “I love that store!”  “Oh, me too!” conversation that clearly shows women look for similarities, or a certain approval, from their friends and counterparts.

I’m an addict.  I look for approval wherever I can find it, and in doing so, I lose myself piece-by-piece.  Rather than writing it down on paper, today I am sharing my needs and desires on the web, because, let’s face it, what offers more longevity than channel of communication that truly has no expiration date?  Here’s my letter of hope.  And here’s to hoping I can cultivate my own happiness once again.

To whom it may concern:

I hope to find security, trust and mutual respect in my relationship.

I hope he will cherish me for who I’ve become, rather than who I was and love me, unconditionally, everyday.

I hope he understands my potential, strength and worth. 

I hope life brings me what I put into it.  I give love, dedication and compassion to the roots of my life.  I pray the love I give brings me love in return and that each day I can water those roots and nurture my own soul.

I hope I can better situations around me and touch a life by the words I speak and the prose I offer.

I hope, not for approval any longer, but for acceptance.  This is me, in my best form so far.  I love to love and love to be loved in return.  I cannot be anyone other than the person I’ve developed into, and I love that person, for all her flaws, fears and dreams.  I hope others will love her, too.

I hope to continue my faith.

I hope to cultivate my own happiness and continue to nurture those relationships that I hold dear to my heart. 

I hope God continues to bring me not what I want, but when I need at the time I need it.  I believe we live our lives in seasons, and for each season, God brings us a person for a very specific reason.

I hope for hope, always.

All my love (and a little hope),

Jordan XO

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