Like Shattered Glass.

We all experience the déjà vu of recurring dreams… but what about the horror of recurring nightmares?

For the last few years, I have struggled to wake up.  Welcome to my recurring nightmare.  In this show of horrors, I’m screaming, shouting at the top of my sore lungs, but nothing comes out.  I fight to wake myself up, to remove myself from this terror, only I can’t.  I’m stuck in this world, with no voice and no way out.  Just when the exhaustion from sheer terror and frustration quiets my thrashing body, my eyes flutter open.  Drenched in sweat, I shoot up above the covers and thank God and every lucky star that it was, in fact, a dream.

What is it about losing my voice that scares me into a coma?  Dreams are our subconscious’ perception and fear of reality.  My reality was that in the last few years I lost my voice.  Laryngitis overcame my life and I found myself conceding to every request, every unfair obligation.  What I wanted, and more importantly what I needed didn’t matter and soon I felt as transparent as glass.  I was invisible.  I had lost my voice.

No matter how loud I screamed or how hard I thrashed in this world, no sound would utter from my lips.  They couldn’t hear me and I became trapped behind the shadows.  Verbal abuse is perhaps one of the most heartbreaking things that can overtake your life.  Not only do you lose any sense of self, power or pride, you lose your soul. 

While the trauma is over, some days I find myself feeling as invisible as ever, as if I were a grain in the sand.  In desperation, I try to shatter the glass wall and release myself from the nightmare.  Only I can’t – the ears that matter won’t hear me and the world doesn’t understand the struggle.

I don’t think my experience is truly any different from the experiences of others.  We all live behind a glass wall at one point, each for different reasons.  Many people hide their hearts and emotions behind the translucence of a glass wall.  Some let love in and shatter this wall right away, others fight to keep it intact, and often allow love to slip through their fingers.  We’re all fighting to shatter a glass wall, in one way or another.  In my circumstance, the glass was blocking the sound of my voice.  In all cases, once that wall is gone, true love and healing can begin.

I cherish my voice.  It is my power, my comfort and my channel for allowing others into my heart and my mind.  I have to remind myself that my voice matters, my opinions matter and most of all, my feelings matter.  I was never crazy or asking for outrageous requests.  I just wanted to be loved, like everyone else.  It is only with this realization that I remember I am made of matter.  And I shatter the glass wall.

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Comments
2 Responses to “Like Shattered Glass.”
  1. thank you for such an honest post. the visual of the glass wall is so powerful. i do everything in my power to keep my glass wall in tact… even if it means slowly killing myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. i’m looking forward to following you and your thoughts in the future. take care.

  2. jordanleah says:

    Thanks for the support on your blog, I really appreciate it! I look forward to reading more of your posts as well!

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