I’m not who I used to be.

I know it’s pretty soon to be contemplating New Year’s and the ill-fated ditch-the-Ben-and-Jerry’s-for-a-rice-cake resolutions (come on, do any of us really make it past January 2 anyway?) that come with the dropping of the ball, but change has been on my mind as of late.  Maybe it’s the swirling smells and colorful palette of the changing seasons.  Maybe it’s the changing of personalities and appearances with Halloween costumes.  Or maybe it’s just me – but I feel it, change is all around me and I’m pretty surprised with what it brought to and subtracted from my life.


One year ago I didn’t know:

that while I promised some friends a one-way ticket into my life for a lifelong occupancy, they would ultimately opt for a shorter stay.   I let them go.

“People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.”

— Nicholas Sparks

that promises would be broken, relationships would be tested and things would end.  I closed the door.

that things I never thought possible would happen at a time I never expected.  I accepted fate.

that my words are as powerful as they are beautiful.  I wrote and turned my pain into beauty.

that those I envisioned in my tomorrow would be those who left today.  I said goodbye.

that I could forgive the deep wounds of the past and start to forget for the chance at a future.  I am still forgetting.

that my convictions were correct, that my intuitions were dead-on and that the love I believed to be so special never left at all.  I loved again.

that finding beauty in the darkest of times is learning how to celebrate life.  I began my own celebration.

            “Celebration when your plan is working? Anyone can do that. But when you realize that the story of your life could be told a thousand different ways, that you could tell it over and over as a tragedy, but you choose to call it an epic, that’s when you start to learn what celebration is. When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief, the boldness, the courage to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong, that’s celebration.”

— Shauna Niequist

that I never needed to depend on another person as a leaning post.  I found my posture and stood tall, on my own.

that game-talkers exist and while it’s easy to say, it’s much  more difficult and courageous to do.  I looked for action.

“You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter.”

— Nicholas Sparks

that sometimes you have to put distance between each other to find a closeness and sometimes being apart doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.  I loved him more.

that life is full of chances and sometimes, if you’re lucky, you’ll be given a second one.  I am running with my second chance.

2 Responses to “I’m not who I used to be.”
  1. i couldn’t describe it better ur “words are as powerful as they are beautiful.”

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