Starving for more.

In times of personal grief, I search for inspiration from any outlet, be it close sources such as family and friends or media, like the glitz of the clichéd underdog Hollywood stories or powerfully written novels.  But, what if, in times of struggle and sorrow, you look all around you only to find no inspiration at all?

Sometimes in life, as I’m learning, you search and seek to find common ground with those you hold close, only you don’t feel so close anymore.  Ideals have changed, life has happened and you feel as though you’re sitting on the other side of the fence  with a completely different view.

So many around me have a sense of comfort and security, but I’m still struggling to find mine.  I look at so many close friends and they all share a similar thread: financial stability through a relationship.  Those girls who once sweated right beside me now enjoy a different position in life.  They’ve married lawyers and doctors, they’re loans are forgiven, they’re debt released, and they’ve found love and a security I have not yet experienced. 

As a little girl I remember being in love with the fantasy of Prince Charming.  Strong and dashing, he was there to rescue you from the tower and save you from yourself.  If you were ever in danger, he was there to pick you up and ensure your safety.  It seems like so many around me have found their Prince Charming.  Is it wrong if the fairy tale is no longer something I want for myself?  Is it abnormal if I want a man to stand besides me, instead of in front of me, shielding me from the world?

I went through something two years ago and it changed me – and now I can’t change it back… and I’m not so sure I would ever want to.  Once something so sexy to me, the act of the damsel in distress now leaves an unpleasant taste in my mouth.  I have so many fears about my future, financial security standing at the top of my list, but I’m not so sure I would want Charming to swoop in and forgive my debts. 

Sometimes I worry that my path isn’t good enough, but then I remember everyone has something different to battle.  Maybe my path is not worse or better, it’s just different, and maybe I will never be truly happy if I don’t have the opportunity to fend for myself in the world.  I long for that sense of self pride, that exhilarating feeling of making my own money from my own talents – it’s an aphrodisiac like no other.  But a huge part of me is fearful that I’ll never make it, that I’ll need someone to depend on to get me through.  I don’t want to ever need someone.  I want to share my dreams with someone, to share my heart with my Prince.  I’ve realized that more than anything I want the respect of my counterpart – I want him to be in awe of my capabilities as much as I am in awe of his.  The man that can stand beside me and watch as my dreams come true will be my own Prince Charming, I’m sure of it.

In this moment, I’m scared — scared that I’m incapable of making my own dreams come true.  Right now I’m the quintessential poor college student, but soon enough I’ll be thrown into the real world, still hoping to make huge dreams into an even greater reality.

While I hold those that do with great respect, I can never be a nine-to-fiver.  I’m just cut from a different cloth.  Some women dream to have babies, others dream for Prince Charming, and that’s OK. But, I dream of the power of my own voice, the capability of my heart and ambition and sometimes, I have to stand alone in doing so.

Is it foolish?  Probably.  Can I change it?  Absolutely not.  It’s who I am and who I’ve become.  This is my fate: to live out the beauty of my own dreams.  I pray for this opportunity and every other opportunity to allow my voice to sing higher than the others, if just for a moment. 

So many writers who have come before me shared the same fate: they die penniless as they clutch their prose to their hearts.  Those beautiful words never get the chance to be in the spotlight of the sunshine.  This too could be my fate, I know that.  I’m in amazing company of millions of starving artists waiting for their turn in the glitter of the spotlight.  And maybe I’ll never be awarded my own turn, but that’s OK.  As long as I’m starving, at least I know I’m hungry for something more. 

3 Responses to “Starving for more.”
  1. u know!..once i told one of my friend that i don’t like women like Paris Hilton ..that have no purpose or aims in life !! and what u saw as a state of inconfort ..i saw as a woman with a dream ..and dreams and aims do not let u sleep well until u accomplish them .. right ?!!
    but u r taking to much concern about that – that shows that u r a good person of course- but what i mean is that u write very well and ur ideas leaves a big effect in ones thinking and heart .
    i wonder in this case if u thought of making an e-book’s a very good way to start in professional writing, some e-books reached people much more then some printed ones if u thought about it tell me ..i can help u about that !
    anyway, what ever u choose i think u’ll do great .
    thank u, 9B

  2. I’m a struggling writer too so I’m kind of in the same situation. I don’t want to depend on anyone, but I also want to follow through with my dreams. I’m currently a graduate math student and plan to get two PhDs in math and philosophy. But the #1 reason why I’m choosing this isn’t so that I can become a great academic. I’m doing it because I want to write science fiction novels about math and philosophy! A heavy cost and something I might not be able to make a career out of…but it is my dream. Good luck with yours!

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  1. […] post on another blog that portrays my feelings exactly is the following: Starving For More. It’s by another aspiring writer and how she describes how it’s her dream of becoming a writer […]

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