Free falling.

Lately I’ve been tired.  My eyes don’t just have bags under them; they have the entire line of the 2011 Louis Vuitton resort luggage collection stacked beneath them.  I’ve been catching up on sleep and trying to incorporate healthier foods into my daily diet, so why I am so tired, you ask?

I think too much.  I think I was born into the world with the gift, or curse, of an overactive mind.  I over-analyze, over-examine and over-play situations and moments in my mind.  My inner mind is like a constant Hollywood movie, with back plot, flashbacks and dialogue, all leading up to a huge blow of a climax.  Only there’s no Brad Pitt in this equation (sigh)…and the movie never really ends.

So what is it that’s preoccupying the big screens of my mind in this moment? Well, love, of course.  You know, therapists and survivors always speak of the recovery process: how to get there, how to handle it, how to stay in the moment without flashbacks creeping in.  But for some reason they fail to provide any enlightenment on how to handle a relationship, or love again.

Love is scary to begin with, but when you’ve been through a dark time, love is completely unthinkable.  But that’s the thing about love — it comes at the unlikeliest, most inconvenient times and knocks you off your feet.  That’s love and it’s beautiful. 

I’ve realized I’ve never really been out of love – it’s always been there, lying dormant and waiting for me to find myself.  Love needs to be nurtured and treated with careful hands.  It could never have survived two years ago on such shaky grounds.  But like the perfect friend and confidante, it never left me; it stayed through my darkest hours.

And now it’s reached the surface again and I find myself too scared to move past the past.  Recently I spoke to a close friend and she opened my eyes.  “I just read something the other day,” she said.  “The article talked about how we don’t step into love, we fall in love That’s what you have to do, really let go and fall.  None of us know how it’s going to work out, but that’s love.”

Maybe the most beautiful advice I’ve received, her words have stayed in my heart this week.  In the past two years, I’ve been struggling to hold on, scared to tumble off the path.  But I’ve realized, maybe falling was what I was meant to do the entire time.  The most beautiful part of this crazy process of life is in realizing that this time, I know how to pick myself back up and dust myself off.   And jumping into black nothingness is love — behind every piece of love is a grain of faith.

“There’s a reason we refer to “leaps of faith” – because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don’t care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is indeed rational; it isn’t. If faith were rational, it wouldn’t be – by definition – faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be… a prudent insurance policy.”

–Elizabeth Gilbert

When I went ziplining a few weeks ago, I was terrified.  There I was, more than 100 feet above the ground and about to propel myself forward on nothing but a line of metal.  In that moment before letting go, I thought about the past, about all the pain I endured and the dark memories attached to a threatening time in my life.  I was scared until I realized, the only thing holding me back from enjoying this moment was me.  And then, I let go. 

I can’t control the past and I can’t change it – it’s forever stamped in the book of my life.  And honestly, had I the opportunity, I don’t know that I would alter the events of long ago.  I wouldn’t have security in my heart or love for myself.  But I’m learning if I want to reach my fingers out to my full potential, I have to allow myself to free fall, above the beauty of the world.  So as scary as it is and as unnatural as it feels to allow myself to let go, I’m ready to fall.  No safety net, no security.  Just love.  It’s a risk, but the potential is beautiful.  And I think it’s worth the fall.

3 Responses to “Free falling.”
  1. artstylelove says:

    Love is a scary thing, but it’s also wonderful. Someday you just have to move forward and remember every relationship is something to learn from!

  2. this is the first time i read for someone encourage falling down ..yet it made a lot of since and was very, very beautiful !
    falling in love !
    thank u 😉

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