I love(d) you.

I made a mistake.  Without realizing it or even wishing for it, I fell in love.  Eight years ago I felt something I never expected to feel for someone I never saw coming into my life.  I loved him. I fought for him; I fought for us.  I fought for a future, for an “I do” and maybe even for a baby someday.  I fought for our apartment together, for the vision of an adult life.  I loved him so very much.  And with the most pain I’ve ever truly felt, I watched us disintegrate.  I watched myself get rejected time and time again. I watched myself beg for someone who couldn’t fight for me.  I chased a dream hoping to recapture a love I thought I always had.  I loved him.

But I made a mistake, a nearly lethal one.  It almost killed me, almost.  I allowed myself to believe that it was OK to be rejected.  I allowed myself to feel that I didn’t deserve more than that, that I didn’t deserve to be chosen, to be number one if just for once in our relationship.  I allowed myself to give up on myself.  Why couldn’t he see how much he was loved, or how special we were?  Why could everyone else see it but him?  I didn’t know.  All I knew was that it had to be me, it had to be my fault.  And I allowed myself to be rejected.

In two years that followed the ending of something very special, he never chased me.  Never.  Another rejection.  He never fought for me, only watched me from a distance, never allowing himself to get to close to me again.  Another rejection.  He met someone else but still loved me.  Another rejection. 

His flagrant recoils from me didn’t just hurt.  They pierced me, and made me feel as if each day were an episode of a very long nightmare.  It was as if I woke up one day next to someone experiencing amnesia.  He couldn’t remember who I was or my significance in his life.  He forgot about us.  And I never could.  I loved him.

And now I’m scared.  Scared of the last rejection, the final bow.  I love him.  But now I know the truth.  The truth is I gave away my heart, I loved him all this time.  The truth is I did write about him, I did miss him and somewhere, deep inside, I did pray for him to return someday.  All because I loved him. 

But during this time, I grew and now maybe I’m in a different place than he ever expected.  I know I am worth so much more than daily rejection.  For someone to think of you often over the span of two years should count for something, shouldn’t it? To me, it counts for love and maybe even hope.  I am worth so much more than excuses and fear.  I am worth being chased.  I am worth affection. I am worth daily love, not rejection.  Maybe one day he will reject his own fear and love me in the way I deserve…  the way in which I always love(d) him.

One Response to “I love(d) you.”
  1. Kathy says:

    I so understand. I have been out for almost 3 years but still love him. I am worth so much more. He did not even try to get me back.

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