Someday

Control is a tricky thing.  Some people strive for it, some live under it and others are blinded by it.  But what is it about this entity that makes humans both shudder and salivate?

These days I can spot a control freak a mile away.  It’s as if I’m standing in a room of Chanel and I can spot the one person wearing a Kmart brand.  It’s obvious, it’s looming and it’s always there.  Most women are swayed by the Mr. Perfect at the bar.  He has it all, right?  Perfect suit, perfectly shined shoes, coiffed hair parted to perfection… but it’s all a little too perfect, isn’t it?  Ever heard the saying that sometimes things are too good to be true?  Well they are and Mr. Perfect, ladies and gentlemen, is a control freak in a terrible disguise. 

I understand Mr. Perfect all too well, as I am a recovering controller.  Yes, my name is Jordan and I love control.  Without that sense of control over a situation, it’s easy to feel as if your power is lost, but what if we never had the control in the first place?  I used to fiercely believe that we all create our own destinies, but now I think differently.  I think the one and only thing we can control is ourselves – our emotions, our thoughts and our abilities.  Elizabeth Gilbert wrote:

 “There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life — whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.”

I always thought I wanted control, but once I had it, it scared the Hell out of me.  Who did I think I was, anyway, to be handed power over my own destiny?  It’s as Carrie Bradshaw said, “That’s the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don’t need them anymore.”  I don’t need control anymore.  I’m putting it back where it belongs: in God’s hands. 

Each day I will do my best to hand pick my emotions and reactions, similar to the way in which I hand pick my collection of designer bags – carefully and with a lot of love.  Control comes from fear and I’ve realized I’m scared, scared that what I want more than anything will never come to fruition.  I’ve realized I cannot control how those around me treat me or if they will live up to their potential in my life.  Some people have settled down, some have had babies, but I want my career, more than anything.  I want my independence, my moment to shine, but I know now I can’t control that moment, it doesn’t belong to me just yet.  I want my happily ever after with a husband who cherishes me, but that doesn’t belong to me yet either.  I want a baby one day who giggles and laughs the way I used to, but she isn’t mine yet either.  And maybe these things will never belong to me, but I can’t control that fate.  All I can do is work on myself and have a little faith that God will shine on me one day.  And maybe I won’t have my happily ever after with that man I wish for, maybe I’ll have a path completely different from those around me.  I can’t control that either.  Maybe that’s the key to life — to drop the control back into God’s hands and just keep sparkling in your own way, no matter the outcome of the day.  So today and tomorrow I will continue to sparkle in my own special way and I will hold God’s hand while I dance down my own unique path.  And I’ll have a little faith that these moments will come… someday.

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