I’m bringing [Jordan] back…

Sometimes I wonder: Will anyone ever understand me the way my ex did?  OK, I can already pinpoint this thought as a distorted cognition caused by the cognitive dissonance I feel as a survivor of abuse, but bear with me on my disillusioned trip to La La Land.

Fact: I was only 16 when I met and fell madly in infatuation with my ex.  Fact:  He had his own set of issues, and after spending six long years with him I now know his narcissistic ways were tools in his abusive behavioral patterns.  Fact:  Because I was so young and naïve, I was a target for his abuse and along the six-year train of torture, I was groomed to carry his beliefs and become the woman he wanted.

Groomed?  Oh yes, I was his very own perfect Pomeranian pooch, taught to sit and stay at his command.  But seriously, I learned to adopt his beliefs as a coping mechanism.  Develop his belief and you will be rewarded with the love you so desperately seek from this overpowering, flashy man, my brain told me over and over again, until guess what?  I had become his very own mini-me.  The problem?  I think I still may hold a few of his lingering traits and I didn’t even realize it until tonight.

Like gum stuck to the bottom of my beautiful red-soled Louboutins, he’s always there, in spirit or stalking.  And this time, he’s here in me, as me.  I’ve always had an innate Eeyore-like, glass-half-empty outlook.  I was a worrier since birth and I always think too much.  After meeting Prince-Not-So-Charming, I developed his sense of the world, a sense he called “realistic.”  More cynical than realistic, his view consisted of cutting down and mocking everyone and everything to heighten his self-awareness and security.  Everyone was labeled “stupid” or “annoying” (myself included) and he held himself at a higher position than the “losers” of the world.  His grandiose sense of self wore off and soon I was beginning to see things through his crazed glasses of reality.  But he always benefitted; life never got him down, and by being a shitty person, he actually ended up on top for a while.  This must be the way of the world, I thought.  Give nothing, get away with everything—and so this was my life with him and he made it seem so glamorous, so high-brow.

I remember trying to bring him back down to earth by reminding him there were two people in our relationship and maybe he should try to use a little empathy in dealing with people.  His response?  “I’m number one in this relationship and I always will be.”  I asked him once how do you never let anything bother you.  “By always putting yourself first, above anyone.”  I should have known then that the world was bothering him, eating at him everyday because of the empty narcissist he was, but I was too young and afraid to move, so I stayed.

With all the steps I’ve taken in the past two years to rid myself of this man, I still see lingering aspects of him in my everyday behavior.  Dating is not easy, in fact, it kind of sucks, when you get right down to it.  But, it should be fun and experimental, if you carry the right attitude.  Apparently, I don’t, as I saw earlier.  I was reminded tonight of how negative and cynical of the world I have become and it scares me.  My amazing date was a little stunned by my negative-nothing-good-ever-happens persona.  He wasn’t the only one.  “I don’t know what kind of people you’ve dealt with in the past,” he said, “but I’m not like them—I’m positive.  If you treat things in a positive way, you will receive a positive outcome.”  God, how I wish I could believe him.  But then I thought, why can’t I believe him?  What makes my ex’s realm of thinking any more superior or effective than my own or my date’s?

For all survivors out there, I’m here and I understand this ongoing battle.  It’s unbelievable what these people can do to us and how they fight to see us break.  I often wonder: what would I have been like without my ex?  Would I be happy now, or incredibly confident, or positive about the world?  I don’t know.  I do know what happened to me: I was abused.  For better or worse, things happened in my life to make me the woman I am.  This journey I am taking back to finding myself is all about self-realization and tonight I realized I still have more work to do.

“You can see the cruelest part of the world, the cruelest part. But then on the other side, you see the most beautiful part. It’s like you go from one extreme to the next. And they’re both worth it because you wouldn’t see the one without the other. But that cruel part is damn cruel and you’ll never forget it. And that Heaven is Heaven.”

—Britney Spears

Maybe I’m no longer the bubbly, bright-red haired girl I once was, but I’ve been through Hell and I’m learning my way back to Heaven.  It’s as my grandmother used to say, “You gotta go through a lot of Hell for a little bit of Heaven.”  She’s right – how would I ever understand how beautiful the sun is and how warm it feels until I sit in the darkness?  Yesterday, after a long hiatus as a brunette, I went back to my fire-red roots and had my hair dyed.  The ginger in me is back in action and I feel somehow vindicated that I’m back, that I’ve been through the wringer and I’m back and as beautiful as ever.  Something as small as dyeing my locks my signature red color gave me the feeling that I’m reclaiming my sexiness and my confidence (I’m bringing sexy back, if you will).  Now, with tonight’s speed bump, I am going to dedicate myself to changing my attitude and realizing the values that I hold important.  My ex’s cynical negativity has gotten me nowhere, so maybe it’s time to switch things up and find my inner 16-year-old’s voice again.  She’s in me somewhere.  Maybe I am bringing sexy back, but soon I will be bringing Jordan back – and that’s the most beautiful thing I can do.

(Photos reblogged from Tumblr)

2 Responses to “I’m bringing [Jordan] back…”
  1. well I’m not usually interested to read about dating and exes however i saw some really beautiful things ..such as the way this was told .. the subject could’ve been very personal and boring but u seriously have an excellent way of writing, and this sentence “You gotta go through a lot of Hell for a little bit of Heaven” and at end i found it’s more about a man and a woman about proud and a woman looking for her “inner 16-year-old’s voice ” then about an ex !
    and finally i liked this one “and I’m back and as beautiful as ever” 😉
    thank u

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