From this moment…

When I was dating my first-ever boyfriend (yes, puppy love and all), I could only see him on the weekends… well, more like I could only see him Fridays, to be exact.  We were young; so young that neither of us was of age to own a shiny new driver’s license.  Oh, the days of young love. 

Looking back on that sappy, coming-of-age period of my young adolescence, I vividly remember watching the clock tick by, waiting for the bell of my last class on Friday to erupt with the alarm that it was, in fact, the weekend.  The days leading up until Friday didn’t matter, neither did those after Friday.  Friday was it, the real deal, the big moment.

I’ve spent my whole life waiting for that big, sparkly, Hollywood-esque moment.  You know, the precise second in one’s life in which everything comes together, everything suddenly makes sense — it’s that “Ahhhhh” moment in which the sea parts, birds chirp and life shines on you and you’re there to catch its amazing glitter.  I’ve always felt one step away, one second apart from my moment — the second in time in which I will become who I was always meant to be, I will finally reach a great accomplishment.  Only, that moment has never arrived and at 24, I feel the impatient giddiness I once felt at 14, waiting for it to happen already. 

Sure, there have been tiny mounds of accomplishment here and there, all of which I should revel in and enjoy while they last.  But, no.  I can’t. I’m waiting for a mountain of a moment.  Sri Ramana Maharishi said, “As long as you desire something, its like getting a mountain; the minute you get it, it becomes a mustard seed!”  Isn’t this life?  I’ve always waited for that perfect birthday, that perfect kiss, that perfect man… the list goes on, and all the while, so does life, ticking away while I wait.  I constantly reinvent myself, hoping to find that missing puzzle piece and attract that moment my way.  All those special moments in high school I shrugged off and ignored, all those tiny specks of life I pushed away, waiting for some picturesque movie-moment to arrive.

All these thoughts have led me to wonder:  Is the speck of a glittering Hollywood moment in time worth throwing away the movie of your life?  I don’t think so.

It’s a difficult process to revamp a pattern of lifetime thinking, but each day I try to remind myself that life is not about a particular destination — be it a wedding, a baby, or a promotion — life is about the twisting journey we must all travel, a path specific and significant to our own movie.  I’ve never really learned the beauty of living in the moment, but now I’m realizing this moment is all we have and maybe it’s up to us to make it sparkle.

It’s as Shauna Niequist wrote, But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I’m waiting for, for that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets — this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience.”

 So, forget a new day and some Hollywood idealization.  Here’s to right now, this very moment.  Here’s to simplifying life and learning just to sit with it and be present.  And here’s to making each moment matter and sparkle in its own beautiful way.  I’m reveling in this moment.

2 Responses to “From this moment…”
  1. Karen says:

    You don’t need any man to complete you or to be happy, Jordan. You have friends who love you and maybe when you are at peace with your past you will meet the right person 🙂 That is of course if psychos from the past stay the hell out of your business.

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