A Soulmate with no Soul…

“I looked at your face I saw that all the love had died
I saw that we had forgotten to take the time
I, I saw that you couldn’t care less about what you do
Couldn’t care less about the lies
You couldn’t find the time to cry

We forgot about love
We forgot about faith
We forgot about trust
We forgot about us

Now our love’s floating out the window
Our love’s floating out the back door
Our love’s floating up in the sky in heaven
Where it began, back in God’s hands”
–Nelly Furtado, “Back in God’s Hands” 

 

My almond eyes were abnormally wide with shock.  With my mouth gaping open, I stared into her eyes with utter disbelief.  The eyes staring back at me were unwavering.  They were certain, almost too certain.  In the brief period of five minutes my life was laid about before me in the form of colorful cards and predictions.  There it was, my fate spread out on the table for the world to see.  But I didn’t want it.  I wanted to forcefully sweep the cards off the table and plead for a new “fortune,” a new path.  Any path, just not this one.  “He’s your soul mate,” she repeated vehemently.  Those words again.  “No, you’re wrong,” I scoffed and ran out into the sunshine.

 The war wounds of the fall semester were obvious.  My semester of dates, deadlines and interviews polished itself off with the pain of a newly-formed ulcer.  I was beyond ready for a break and yesterday I enjoyed my first (and only) day off.  After tying up loose ends and running errands, I caught a glimpse of the tarot parlor out of my rear view mirror.  Like a new, shiny LV bag, it called to me.  I had to go in. 

Looking back on the past two years, I understand all too well why the idea of learning my future seemed so delicious at the time.  With trauma, abuse and recovery lurking like a cloud over my head, I wanted to see that clichéd light at the end of the long, dark tunnel and in a moment of self-indulgence I saw my mirage.  Walking in with a coy smile, I was only taking the experience with a grain of salt.  I was positive the psychic would hand me silly advice that I could hold onto like a security blanket.  “You’ll be married in two years,” or “You’ll be successful and wealthy,” were the bits of bright light I half-expected to see.

“Ask a question,” she instructed me as I cut the deck of cards. 

 I knew what I wanted to ask but I was suddenly shy.  Instantly I was overwhelmed and my mind flashed back to the six years of hell I endured in the name of “love.”  Like a ping pong ball, my mind jumped from image to image and suddenly it landed on my relationships as of late.  Finally, it all came to a jerking stand-still and I spit out my question.

 “I want to know when true love will find me,” I said.

 It’s easy to question ridiculous moments in your life, and this one was no different.  Was it all a scam?  I don’t know, probably.  But I do know that I did not feed her information and didn’t expect her to give me a detailed, personal and private synopsis of the six year relationship with my abuser.

 While I leave it to the reader’s imagination, situations revisited, key people described and intimate things said were all laid out by the tarot reader.  She seemed to know my ex better than I could even remember.  Dates were given and painful memories were guessed.  She knew it all so well. 

 This was supposed to be fun, I thought to myself.  How did she know all of this? 

 “You were never meant to be out of each other’s lives,” she told me.  “I sit in this chair every day and witness clients claim that they have found love, soul mates.  I know the truth.  But in my time doing this for all these years, I have never seen someone in front of me who shares such a strong bond and has found her soul mate.  You and he share a strong, unusual bond—a connection.  You were never meant to be apart.  He is your only soul mate, and you are his.”

 Was she joking?  Did she tell this to everyone?  She went on to describe our relationship in detail—the good, the bad and the forgettable.  I laughed when she told me how he is being manipulated now—how he currently sits in the same pathetic position he once held me—all at the hands of the new person in his life.  I didn’t care, I was too angry for words.

 The irony of life just about kills me at times.  For such a long, miserable time, I wished, prayed, bartered and begged God or any higher power to bring my ex back.  I missed him, I loved him.  And for those long, draining months I was taunted with images of him happy without me.  Now, after one year of cognitive therapy for PTSD and hard work on myself, for myself, I was almost handed (in a weird way) what I wanted for so long.  I wanted someone to say he wants you, someone to say he misses you. And that’s just what I received, only I didn’t want it.  I wanted nothing to do with her “prophecy.”  I had come too far and loved myself too much to ever allow another human to abuse and disregard me with such cruelty and coldness as my ex.

 While this entire situation was ridiculous (and a huge waste of money), I found myself so depressed yesterday. I was angry.  If this was true, if he was my “soul mate,” then I was angry at God, at fate, or any higher power for sending me a soul mate with no soul, no heart and no love.  It couldn’t be true, could it? 

 I don’t know.  Despite my lack of religious understanding, I don’t believe God has the ability to be cruel, to bring me a man who does nothing but destroy love and lives in his path, all for his own ego boost.  While the saying goes that fate and our future resides in the cards, I disagree.  With the driving motivation of anger and pride of my own progress, I choose to be proactive in my present, the here and now.  I am choosing to roll my own dice.  I’m tossing the cards out the window, and giving fate back to where it all began—back in God’s hands.

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Comments
3 Responses to “A Soulmate with no Soul…”
  1. Heather H. says:

    I’m not too keen on tarot card readers or other self-proclaimed psychics with big neon signs advertising their “gifts” because I have learned that they are great behavior observers. They feed you info then wait for your reaction; then they know which direction to keep going. I’ve also met people who are truly intuitive and it just takes time to know the difference; however, I do believe we are our own best fortune tellers. If you want to “see” your future, listen to what you tell yourself and others about your life and what you want because you are creating it. Listen to your own intuition as well. And as far as soul mates, I would offer this: There are many different kinds of soul mates. Some soul mates come in the form of friends, family, co-workers, even adversaries; and some are romantic soul mates. Each one comes into our lives for a reason to help teach us a lesson. Your ex may be a “soul mate” that you needed to meet so you could learn a great lesson about who you really are and all that you can be. Now that you’ve learned the lesson you can move on. And from what I’ve read you seem like an amazing person! All my best.

  2. jordanleah says:

    Thanks Heather! I think you’re right, my ex may have been a soulmate, but he’s definitely not the one I want or should be with!! Thanks again for your insight, it gives me a new way to look at things!

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