Maybe you just need to take a leap of Faith

Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be… a prudent insurance policy.” (Eat, pray, love)

 

As each day passes I find myself questioning the definition of faith.  More and more I confront the idea of a higher power, a higher belief system.  What is faith?  I’m not sure.  I envy those that have an intimate relationship with God, a higher power, or just the idea of a greater energy—those individuals have found what I have been yearning for in the past 6 years: inner peace. 

As a child I was extremely ill, so sick that a christening was not the first priority on the minds of my parents and as I grew older I embraced the idea of God, never truly understanding the exact definition of Him.  While I do not devote myself to one particular school of thought or religious belief, I consider myself a spiritual person who desires each day to understand the incomprehensible. 

 When amazing opportunities come my way, such as being elected to meet President Obama or being nominated for Employee of the Year, I find my faith renewed and restored, as if some higher presence understands my current struggle in recovery and offers me an outlet of peace and creativity in the midst of pain, even if it’s for a moment.  I think of all my accomplishments in the past year alone and cannot help but feel like someone or something is watching me, guiding me to where I need to be.  Call it faith, fate or God, something has been pushing me.  I think of my friends and mentors, who believe in me more than anything, and I feel my faith and sense of will with me, in my back pocket.  When I witness someone doing a good deed, like the amazing guy who recovered and returned my I-Phone 4, I am humbled and amazed and sure in that moment that good does indeed exist.  My faith is renewed.

 But my faith (or lack thereof) finds itself on shaky ground when I witness cruelty of the world.  I have a firsthand, intimate experience with cruelty and abuse, as I lived it for nearly seven years of my young adult life.  (I know I am lucky to have the opportunity to even speak about it, to even be breathing while so many victims of abuse are forced to stay or fall prey to unthinkable violence.)  I constantly witness abusive people getting exactly what they want in life, without having to strive and suffer along with the rest of the human population.  What allows such people, such greedy, cruel individuals, the ability to obtain their most wanted goals or dreams?  I work hard each and every day in school, at work and in my personal life to obtain a sense of pride and peace while others seem to fly right by, getting those precious things that I can only dream of in this moment.

 I think of my ex, his cruelty and sense of entitlement and wonder why I am the one who has to go through the hard work, the suffering of memories and pain, and he meanwhile is handed exactly what he wants and never has to own up to his abuse—never has to look in the mirror and see what he truly is?   I do not know how to have faith in such situations, how to believe that good always perseveres over evil. 

 I think of the time when I was with him that I wanted nothing more than a marriage and a family, nothing more than to be close to him.  I think of the pure and devoted love I gave him every day.  I believed in that love.  I was thisclose to my dreams of being a wife to someone I treasured when it was ripped away.  I know now that it wasn’t meant to be, that I deserve so much more in life than his coldness and I also deserve to pursue my own dreams without the harsh eye of an abuser watching over me.  I would never, not even for a second, wish to be back in such a debilitating situation.  And while it’s been a challenging experience, I do believe that I was meant to go through abuse to find my inner voice and strength.

But some days I think back on how close I was to everything I wanted.  Some days I am reminded how cruel the world can truly be and some days I wonder if God forgot about me.  I pray my faith will get me through this recovery period, this terribly difficult transitional time in my life, and I pray that my faith will be renew itself and be stronger tomorrow than it is today.  I pray that I will finally take my leap of faith and land exactly where I am supposed to be.

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