“It took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go”

“If you don’t want me to write bad songs about you, then don’t do bad things.”

(–Taylor Swift)

(courtesy lettersfromthesoul.com)

My eyes burned.  Crouched in a pool of tears, I couldn’t see—life and everything around me had suddenly become so blurry.  What just happened and how did I get here

That Sunday morning began like any other: a morning kiss, a relaxing breakfast and a little laundry started our day.  But what appeared comfortable and so sweet suddenly and unexpectedly transformed into something demeaning and ugly.  Thinking it would incite our usual flirtatious wrestling matches, I playfully grabbed a tee from the unfolded mound of laundry and smacked my ex-N’s derriere.  His reaction was anything but playful as he used the tee to forcefully slap me upside the head and shouted at me to “get the [expletive] out” of his house. 

In shock, I tried to reason with him to understand what had set him off, but as usual his extreme mood swings and temper had consumed him.  Mr. Hyde had come out to play.  Bawling and dizzy with emotion, I scrambled to grab my things.  Barreling down his wooden staircase, I felt my sock snag on the old floorboards and before I knew it my pride and I were taking a falling leap to the uninviting landing.  Not the most graceful exit.

As I sat assessing the damage, I realized I had badly cut and sprained my ankle and was unable to walk.  I assumed my ex would run to my aid and act as my crutch in my exit to the car.  Silly me.  As he walked down the stairs, I waited for him to help me back on my feet.  Imagine my shock and disgust as he walked down, stepped over me only to settle into the couch to watch TV.  As I pathetically attempted to stand, he walked back up the steps and jumped over me once again to grab his phone from his bedroom.  Was I invisible?

Although one would assume this was my breaking point, it appeared I had a lot of fight left in me as I continued to act as his punching bag of cruelty and manipulation for another three years.  Not my brightest moment.  It is this memory, however, that continues to haunt me and remind me of his inability to feel compassion or empathy for another human being.

It is in the careful reflection of such painful moments that I realize some relationships exist to open you to a new world, some exist to show you love, and others exist to teach you a life lesson, no matter how cruel it may be.  As Taylor Swift said, “there are two different categories of love. The first category is called a fairytale.  The second category of love is called just another lesson.”

Loving, leaving and letting go of a Narcissist has taught me an innumerable amount of priceless lessons and has ignited a journey of personal growth that I feel lucky and thankful to experience.  Recently, over lunch with a close friend, I received advice that truly opened my eyes.  It was in discussing the never-ending pile of mistakes my ex-N committed that she said, “You have to learn to watch others.  Watch their mistakes–they are free life lessons—they cost you nothing.”

While we laughed over her insight, I came back to this statement again and again as I realized how true it really was.  While my ex-N has given me a slew of free life lessons through his innumerable mistakes, I have also learned to look at my own mistakes.  I will never again doubt my self-worth and allow a stranger to take control over my life—a control that he never deserved to have in the first place.  I now also understand the sweet beauty that comes with letting go of the past.  Although it’s not easy, letting go allows you to grow into the person you were always meant to become.

I have also learned that maybe good doesn’t reside in everyone, maybe some people exist solely for their own benefit.  Defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association as chronic, pervasive, maladaptive and inflexible, Narcissistic Personality Disorder does not allow for personal growth, reflection or perspective.  Without the ability to experience human emotions, such as empathy and compassion and the ability to grow as a person, how can a Narcissist inspire good?

Maybe they can’t and maybe it’s not for me to say.  But what I do know and rely on is the advice of a good friend when she says, “What an individual does in the dark always comes out in the light.”  Call it Karma, a higher power, whatever suits you—but I truly believe the truth always comes out in the end. 

 And the biggest lesson I’ve learned?  People may come and go from my life, but writing is a constant support and source of light during dark times.  Another moral of the story?  Be careful how you treat a writer—you just may end up as her next story.

One Response to ““It took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go””
  1. “- you may end up as her next story.”

    Absolutely! The best revenge is letting go and moving on, or so I have been told. But I am bitter enough to use what flair I have for the written word to create a just world where Mr Ex and Miss Behaved are creatures that I get to dictate where the cliff is and how fast they are running over it.

    Once again, I am touched in a place that I am afraid of by your words and hope to keep getting my free lessons from a couragous and talented person.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: