Mirror, Mirror on the wall…

“Everyone thinks that I have it all
But it’s so empty living behind these castle walls
If I should tumble if I should fall
Would any one hear me screaming behind these castle walls
There’s no-one here at all, behind these castle walls” (Christina Aguilera/T.I. “Castle Walls”)

Sometimes a reflection isn't so pretty...

Like most little girls, I dreamed to live far away in the picturesque fairy tale of a castle.  Layers of pink poufy tulle, sparkly stilettos, knight on a white horse—the whole shebang.  But, as the saying goes, be careful what you wish for.  If only I knew then the truth behind such advice.  My innocent little dream exploded into a fantasy world I never pictured.  The castle walls I thought would bring comfort, support and protection only locked me away in a dark, tormenting prison.

Compassionate, empathetic and naïve by nature,  I was quickly brainwashed and groomed to believe that one only makes it in the world with an air of coolness, arrogance and self-indulgence.  The characteristics I had were all too real, all too human for him—they were, in a word, weak. 

To say ending a relationship with a Narcissist is difficult is a gross understatement—it is raw, difficult and maddening.  The most frustrating and debilitating aspect is in learning that I was utilized as a tool, a mirror in reflecting his faux perfection and outer façade of security and strength.  All about appearances, the Narcissist, insecure by nature, finds solace in hiding behind his impenetrable fortress, his castle walls of complete and utter BS.

Instead of celebrating as I should have, I crumbled when I found my ex-N had found a new source.  I mean, it was all so predictable, so expected.  I thought, maybe just this once, he will be different.  But no, Narcissists are all alike and once an individual learns their pattern of behavior, their motions become as familiar as the back of her hand.  As Tigress Luv said, “A narcissist can’t be faithful. This is because – to a narcissist – ‘you’ don’t exist except as a mirror. When he looks at you, all he sees is his own reflection. Distort this reflection and he will go find another mirror. It’s as simple, or as complicated, as that.”

It is upon realizing that their world is empty and oh-so-fake that you learn to play the game.  Undermined from the jump, I found liberation in the act of playing dumb.  The pure satisfaction in playing the role of the helpless, imprisoned dumb blonde Princess was delicious and maddening at the same time.  Didn’t he know that I knew what he was?  Didn’t he know the game was over, that I knew his every lying step?  Apparently not.

The lies continued to pour in and one by one I witnessed each brick fall from the façade of the wall.  The months following the demise of the faux fairy tale were laughable.  Rather than sticking his tail between his legs and walking away, he continued his patterned behavior and made every pathetic attempt he could at gaining control on his old source—to no avail.

While my personality attributes were considered weak, he forgot one key factor: my intelligence. A Narcissist becomes comfortable in the fact that his victim is pliable and seems to forget how smart she really can be, once removed from his toxicity.  One doesn’t live six years of her life in the black shadow of a sociopath without learning a few things.  It was the difficult period of post-break up that I reveled in the fact of understanding his every predictable move.  While it was life-threatening to break through the mirror of a Narcissist, the experience was possibly the greatest gift I could imagine.  I now look at my own reflection very differently.  It was in speaking with a close friend that I had a difficult wake up call.  In a moment of weakness, I lamented at witnessing those around me experience true love and new beginnings.  “I’m tired of watching my girl friends experience what I used to have,” I whined.  “Those girls didn’t choose a Narcissist,” he reminded me.

Maybe not.  But I believe wholeheartedly that the Narcissist chose me, honed in on my kindness and treated it as a toy of weakness.  And it all happened for a reason—to give me a new, stronger reflection of the woman I am and the woman I want to become.  While the old wives’ tale insists that breaking a mirror causes seven years bad luck, I strongly disagree.  Breaking through that mirror of abuse and cruelty gave me my life back and I can be secure in knowing that I will never be a prisoner behind those castle walls again.  It is when I think of my ex-N and his ridiculous mirror that my heart begs the question, “Mirror, mirror on the wall—don’t you know, I see right through you?”

*For all survivors:  An amazing article, a must read http://narcissistic.co/to-the-narcissists-new-woman.html (courtesy Tigressguru.com)

4 Responses to “Mirror, Mirror on the wall…”
  1. Sounds like you have learned much through your experiences. And I bet you will be able to be of great assistance to someone else. Sometimes where you have been helps you understand where someone is (or is headed). Unfortunately, you may see it sooner than they will and they will not be happy with you if you say something. But then again, you never know….

  2. jordanleah says:

    Thanks Liz, I agree. And I hope this blog will help other survivors!

  3. sara says:

    this is an amazing article. i am proud that you are able to put your journey of pain and healing into words for others to hopefully gain perspective. you’re a strong woman from a line of strong women that will always be there for you.

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