Babies, Break-ups and a Little Spare Change

Sometimes Prince Charming really is just a frog...

I didn’t know how to react.  The news crushed me like a steamroller, leaving me breathless and exhausted.  A mix of emotions swirled around my head and I wasn’t quite sure which to embrace.  Was I happy or maybe angry?  Excited, or envious?  As ego-bending Nostalgia came to sweep me away in memories of the fading but not so distant past, I pasted a smile on my face.  “Everything will be okay,” I promised her.  But, in that selfish moment of self-pity I couldn’t help to wonder: Will everything be okay for me?

Change has always been my arch nemesis.  In my experience, the sweeping metamorphosis of change only subtracts the important qualities and people I have added to my life.

Enter my 22nd year of life and Change seemed to be the only companion I had, the only thing that remained constant.  Always lurking like a black cloud over my head, Change ended a relationship, moved me from a home I had created with my ex and landed me back where I had started: my parents’ home. 

As my friend, Jillian, broke the news of her pregnancy, I felt Change deliver yet another debilitating blow.  Only 20, she was frozen with fear, but I was too enamored with the latest adjustment of my life to notice.  What such news represented to me was a slap in the face, Karma’s way of saying stuff it.  It reminded me that not too long ago, I was ready to be in Jillian’s position, to be a young mother with a man that I loved.  Only, there was a glitch in the plan and the always stealthy Change quietly crept in and ripped it from me, that opportunity I had longed for, that baby I had wanted.

Life has a cruel side, and just when you think you could not be knocked down any lower, it comes and brings everyone around you the gift you had wished for the most.  The same day my cousin gave birth to her first child, a beautiful little girl, my close friend announced her second pregnancy.  Jillian’s tiny belly grows bigger each time I see her and I have news that my ex’s new main squeeze is trying for her first bundle of joy.  How lovely.

Sometimes in life, Change can really smack you in the face, and in other moments it can slap you upside the head, knocking sense back into your reality.  And sometimes, you have to take Change by the hands and guide it to the place you need to be the most.  In the words of James Baldwin, “not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” 

Through moments of careful review and reflection, I have learned that to face your past is the only way to elicit a change in your current situation.  Looking back, I have realized that if I was still with my ex, in a state of abuse, I would not be chasing my dreams today.  As always, my passions would take a back seat to his needs and desires, whether it be building a family or dropping everything to jet set.  Facing painful memories brings a sense of clarity back into my life and motivates me to realize what I want from myself.  Upon asking him if he was proud of my accomplishment of graduating college (for my first degree), he, without skipping a beat, barked, “Why would I be, I’m not you’re father.”  It is such memories that make me realize a marriage, a family, was not meant to be in such a situation.

While others are experiencing amazing moments in life, I know Change has brought me exactly where I need to be.  In learning how to be with myself, I have found I am reclaiming old goals I left by the wayside long ago.  Prior to my ex, children weren’t on my radar, as a drive for a career was my only motivating factor in life.  While I adore kids, I am not sure that I would want such an addition.  I am aiming for the highest goal, to find my voice in a world of loud chaos, and to make a lot of my own noise. 

Will children ever fit into such an equation?  I don’t know.  Do I need all the answers today?  Absolutely not.  But what I do know is that sometimes perfect endings don’t exist and Prince Charming’s armour may be a little rusted.  An ending may halt a new beginning and it may take hundreds of rewrites before you get the story of your life perfected.  But Change is inevitable and allows us to make mistakes in finding who we really are.  And if we’re lucky, our next life-changing mistake may just bring us that much closer to a life-altering love.

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Comments
5 Responses to “Babies, Break-ups and a Little Spare Change”
  1. I completely understand where you are coming from, I’m a few years older than you but all of my friends are getting engaged and having babies and I was recently dumped. But I’m sure for both of us, everything will turn out fine 🙂
    -Gizzy

  2. emilyB says:

    babies are over rated… you will be so much happier with a full nights sleep and no throw up on your clothes Jordan! I love you and think this is a great way to start writing and get yourself out there! xxoo

  3. jordanleah says:

    Thanks Emily– SO thankful for u! I hope you’re right 😉

  4. lost says:

    well i broke up 4 days before we found out we were pregnant with the baby we planned. now we dont even speak and i have a child on the way alone. be happy your not in my shoes!

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